when raising a concern becomes the crime
DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender — a four-step move that turns the person who was hurt into the one being accused.
The four steps
- ·Deny — "I didn't do that." / "You're imagining it."
- ·Attack — "You always do this. You're impossible."
- ·Reverse roles — "You're the one being abusive right now."
- ·End: You're apologising for raising the concern in the first place.
Why it's hard to spot in the moment
DARVO escalates fast. Within two minutes you've gone from "can we talk about something that hurt me" to defending yourself. Healthy people can be defensive sometimes — DARVO is a pattern, not a one-off.
What helps
- ·Pause the conversation. "I need a minute" is a complete sentence.
- ·Write down what you actually wanted to say before re-entering.
- ·Notice the pattern across weeks, not just one fight.
when you're ready
Sister Signal has more on this.
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https://sistersignal.org/resources/darvo